A while back a buddy of mine emailed me for advice about his break up, this happens to be a speciality of mine as I have been dumped by a lot of people in my time. It got me thinking, what if there was a list for the recently broken-up going over things they might need to know. So I decided to write one...
1. You will not like the first person that sleeps with your ex. This is ok, perfectly natural. This person is a vulture, a scavenging ghoul. They have probably been planning this for months while they quietly brought about the end of your relationship. Machiavelli has nothing on the subtle machinations and ruthless manipulations they have carried out. They are the scum of the earth, lower than a snake's belly, and probably carrying some horrible venereal disease on their malformed genitals. I do not, however, recommend engaging with this person in any way. That can lead to all sorts of legal entanglements and even more grief from your ex. Just keep your bright burning hatred under wraps until you can go "Count of Monte Cristo" on their scheming ass.
2. Your ex will not like the first person who sleeps with you. (See above.)
3. You will probably sleep with your ex at least once in the next few months. Again, this is perfectly normal. After all, its a really nice thing to do for them as anyone else that they could be sleeping with would be woefully inadequate and despite the recent unpleasantness between you, they deserve a little sugar now and again. Whatever you do just don't live out the scene from "High Fidelity" where John Cusack obsesses about the mind-blowing sex his ex must be having at that very instant. Just don't.
4. You will most likely get depressed. At all costs you must avoid any urges to write a poetry 'zine, bittersweet songs about your loss or listen to anything recorded by the Get Up Kids. This may be difficult but it will make you a better person in the long run. It is important to let yourself work your feelings out, just don't let it turn you into a whiny teen movie caricature.
5. You will feel the urge to get out more. Especially after your ex's sinister plan to destroy your social life by never letting you have any fun or see your friends. This requires a little planning because you will want to avoid your ex, unless of course you are showing off how totally and completely over them you are (see Step 9). Going out is good because being that person who sits at home and drinks alone makes your friends and room mates worry about you. They may attempt an intervention or put you on suicide watch, especially if records by the Cure are involved. So go out, drink up, and party down. After all, "out" is where all the people who have been secretly aching for you while you were trapped in that sham of a relationship are.
6. You will call your ex, wasted, after a long night of partying. We all know you're going to do it, just please make a good-faith effort not to. If you fail at this you will say sappy things you don't mean, you will insult them, you will ask them to come back, you will blubber, and probably all in the same sentence. This is a bad thing and shows that your resolve is weak. Your ex will exploit this in to further their own sinister plan to win your break up.
7. Your ex will call you in the middle of the night, wasted after a night of partying. Play it cool, "No, they cant come over. No, you don't want to talk right now. Yes, you are doing ok and yes, you will call them sometime". Then hang up, you have prevailed. Your resolve is as hard as steel and victory is yours.
8. Once you have progressed beyond the "moping in your darkened room like a melodramatic teenager" phase, put on real pants and left your house you will probably see your ex somewhere with someone new. Stay composed, don't stare daggers, mutter obscenities to yourself or throw things at them. If your ex spots you and decides to swan over and say hi with their skank du jour in tow, be civil and try to extricate yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. Do not fly into a viking berserker rage and attempt to disassemble the new skank to their component atoms. Don't be snide to them, just act casual. If they can get you to freak out in public then they have won.
Also, do not use this as an opportunity to prove how Amazingly Over Your Ex you are and just hang out with them, even if you are invited. Particularly you should not do this if you are in a bar. Alcohol weakens your resolve. Just smile, say it was nice to see them and escape. Even if you feel an overpowering urge to assert how much more awesome of a person you are than the skank du jour just remember that the skank du jour is probably a child molester or a hard drug addict and are obviously terrible in bed.
9. Your ex will probably see you somewhere with someone new. Be charitable. Just catch them staring daggers at you and then walk up with your amazing date in tow, smile and say "Hi, how they've been? Its so nice to see them." and then walk away secure in the knowledge that you have just ruined their whole day, if not their entire week.
Keep in mind that this is not a complete list. There are other situations that may arise and that you will have to deal with them. Just keep it firmly in your mind that you are a better person than they are and that ultimately you will prevail.
I originally wrote this in 2004 or 2005 to try to cheer up a friend who was bummed out about breaking up with their girlfriend. It's been through a few re-writes and edits but I still like it so I gave it a "final" write-up and I'm posting it for you to enjoy.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Wait. Time passes.
I don't really have any good reason to go back to this other than I'm getting bored with "social networking". I'm going to re-format this blog, sometimes it will be images, sometimes I'll journal and I will probably post odd bits of prose that fall out of my brain onto my keyboard. Stay tuned, it could get fun...
Friday, March 19, 2010
just because you're paranoid...
well, i am.
there. i said it.
i don't trust that people play by the rules, have your best interests at heart or hold you, your feelings, safety, or security in any kind of regard. it's an unfortunate by-product of an even more unfortunate set of life experiences. it comes in handy every so often though.
human beings are an apex predator, we eat everything. this has unfortunately passed into our worldview, business practices and our interpersonal relationships. from the wall street executives who gutted the american economy and walked away with multi-million dollar performance bonuses courtesy of the american taxpayers to the repeat rapists who prowl nightclubs and bars spiking women's drinks the ethos is the same.
"what's yours is mine and i don't care how i get it."
what touched this off is that i got a letter from a third party collection agency alleging that i owed them $205.50 on an overdue account that they had acquired from cincinnati bell, what's more they were willing to settle for half of that amount as long as i called immediately and "verified" that their offer was still good and paid via their website.
being a paranoid asshole i called bullshit for the following reasons:
1. i haven't lived in cincinnati for almost ten years
2. i remember paying my phone bill in full when i moved, at the phone company's office!
i'm not going to pay them anything, not one fucking penny and here's why. a quick internet search revealed that both companies listed on the letter i got are fronts for nco financial systems who have made quite a name for themselves with shady collections practices.
A few more things raised my hackles besides the 10 year old "delinquent" account that i know i closed with a zero balance. first, there was one name with a baltimore address on the letterhead, another name with no address for the payee and the return address on the envelope was a p.o. box in new jersey. second, had i actually owed cincinnati bell any money, the statute of limitations on debt for an open-ended account in ohio is 6 years, so any debt i had would have legally expired in 2006. third, i've had something go to a real collections agency before. real collections agencies don't offer to settle, they may offer to put you on a payment plan but they don't offer to settle for 50% of the debt.
i'd call these creeps vultures but i wouldn't want to insult that comparatively noble and beautiful bird.
the economy is in the tank, everyone is terrified about money even though most people still haven't figured out that the modern concept of credit is just a "re-branding" of our old friend debt. think about it, what do you call money that you don't have that someone will let you spend provided that you pay them back with interest. that's debt, if you want more on it's noble history read the last sentence of the second paragraph after the jump carefully.
the only thing that most people have going for them these days is their credit score, the rating that tells banks, credit card companies and mortgage brokers what you can probably afford. enter the scumbags with their digital-age shakedown, "you owe us money from some bill from 10-15 years ago that you can't remember, now pay us or we'll ruin your credit", and people do it! maybe because they're scared, maybe because they're trying to be honest or responsible, maybe because they don't know any better. Mostly the latter because, you guessed it!, most people don't know their rights. (summary is here)
if you read the complaints lodged against some of these companies you'll start hearing a lot of shady stuff, they can't or won't tell you where the debt came from originally, they need you to "verify" the rest of your social security number as they only have the last four digits, and in one case a man was read his wife's social security number, her work address and their home address over the phone and was threatened that they (the collections company) could send some people around.
so now we know that these scum prey on fear and ignorance so what do you do about it? first, if one these companies contacts you don't panic, no matter how big the number they throw at you is. check your credit report first, you can do it for free once a year, use it wisely. if you owe anyone anything it'll be on there. if the debt they are trying to collect isn't on your credit report you can send them a letter disputing the debt, a cease and desist letter is ideal. send the letter certified mail and keep the return receipt. if they contact you after 30 days from the receipt of your cease and desist letter you can press charges for harassment. sweet right?
long story short i'll be making a trip to my post office tomorrow to drop off my cease and desist letter and hopefully that'll be the last i ever hear of these scuzzballs.
there. i said it.
i don't trust that people play by the rules, have your best interests at heart or hold you, your feelings, safety, or security in any kind of regard. it's an unfortunate by-product of an even more unfortunate set of life experiences. it comes in handy every so often though.
human beings are an apex predator, we eat everything. this has unfortunately passed into our worldview, business practices and our interpersonal relationships. from the wall street executives who gutted the american economy and walked away with multi-million dollar performance bonuses courtesy of the american taxpayers to the repeat rapists who prowl nightclubs and bars spiking women's drinks the ethos is the same.
"what's yours is mine and i don't care how i get it."
what touched this off is that i got a letter from a third party collection agency alleging that i owed them $205.50 on an overdue account that they had acquired from cincinnati bell, what's more they were willing to settle for half of that amount as long as i called immediately and "verified" that their offer was still good and paid via their website.
being a paranoid asshole i called bullshit for the following reasons:
1. i haven't lived in cincinnati for almost ten years
2. i remember paying my phone bill in full when i moved, at the phone company's office!
i'm not going to pay them anything, not one fucking penny and here's why. a quick internet search revealed that both companies listed on the letter i got are fronts for nco financial systems who have made quite a name for themselves with shady collections practices.
A few more things raised my hackles besides the 10 year old "delinquent" account that i know i closed with a zero balance. first, there was one name with a baltimore address on the letterhead, another name with no address for the payee and the return address on the envelope was a p.o. box in new jersey. second, had i actually owed cincinnati bell any money, the statute of limitations on debt for an open-ended account in ohio is 6 years, so any debt i had would have legally expired in 2006. third, i've had something go to a real collections agency before. real collections agencies don't offer to settle, they may offer to put you on a payment plan but they don't offer to settle for 50% of the debt.
i'd call these creeps vultures but i wouldn't want to insult that comparatively noble and beautiful bird.
the economy is in the tank, everyone is terrified about money even though most people still haven't figured out that the modern concept of credit is just a "re-branding" of our old friend debt. think about it, what do you call money that you don't have that someone will let you spend provided that you pay them back with interest. that's debt, if you want more on it's noble history read the last sentence of the second paragraph after the jump carefully.
the only thing that most people have going for them these days is their credit score, the rating that tells banks, credit card companies and mortgage brokers what you can probably afford. enter the scumbags with their digital-age shakedown, "you owe us money from some bill from 10-15 years ago that you can't remember, now pay us or we'll ruin your credit", and people do it! maybe because they're scared, maybe because they're trying to be honest or responsible, maybe because they don't know any better. Mostly the latter because, you guessed it!, most people don't know their rights. (summary is here)
if you read the complaints lodged against some of these companies you'll start hearing a lot of shady stuff, they can't or won't tell you where the debt came from originally, they need you to "verify" the rest of your social security number as they only have the last four digits, and in one case a man was read his wife's social security number, her work address and their home address over the phone and was threatened that they (the collections company) could send some people around.
so now we know that these scum prey on fear and ignorance so what do you do about it? first, if one these companies contacts you don't panic, no matter how big the number they throw at you is. check your credit report first, you can do it for free once a year, use it wisely. if you owe anyone anything it'll be on there. if the debt they are trying to collect isn't on your credit report you can send them a letter disputing the debt, a cease and desist letter is ideal. send the letter certified mail and keep the return receipt. if they contact you after 30 days from the receipt of your cease and desist letter you can press charges for harassment. sweet right?
long story short i'll be making a trip to my post office tomorrow to drop off my cease and desist letter and hopefully that'll be the last i ever hear of these scuzzballs.
Friday, February 12, 2010
you must get so much done
is about the worst thing that you can say to someone with insomnia, it's sort of like saying "wow, you must really get sylivia plath" to someone with chronic depression. it's not so much that it's insensitive, it's that it's ill-informed.
i've had insomnia since i was a little kid and i really couldn't tell you why. i never had bad nightmares (except for the night before i would get really sick for some reason), nobody ever came into my room and did things to me in my sleep, i wasn't scared of the dark, i've just never been able to sleep well.
i still don't.
the problem with getting things done when you have insomnia is that there isn't much you can do in the middle of the night. if i could land a gig as a professional writer where i can essentially make my own hours as long i make my deadlines it would be great but i work as a bicycle mechanic which means that i have shifts that i have to be on time for. to get an idea of what my workday can be like do whatever you have to do to stay up for 24 hours straight, then problem solve for 8 hours, on your feet, while being nice to people. it sucks.
what bends my mind in on itself is that i have this trifecta of disorders that all dovetail so nicely it becomes a bit of a chickens and eggs problem. the questions go like this; do i have insomnia because i have adhd and the lack of sleep makes me depressed? am i too depressed to sleep and the resulting insomnia makes it impossible for me to concentrate? or is it that i just can't sleep well and the sleep deprivation makes me unable to focus and depressed?
it's a devil of a deal let me tell you.
exercise doesn't do much, i sometimes ride upwards of 75 miles a day on my bike and drugs don't work on it. i've tried.
melatonin? not so much.
skullcap? great name but nothing.
valerian root? nyet.
pot? slow, hungry and stupid.
alcohol? sleep deprived and hung over.
tylenol pm? don't make me laugh.
ambien? i can take 3, bike home, and read for several hours before passing out.
to be fair percoset will knock me out in a high enough dose but you can see the problem there.
oogh. it's creeping on 6 am. time to sign off. nice talking to you. g'night (i hope).
i've had insomnia since i was a little kid and i really couldn't tell you why. i never had bad nightmares (except for the night before i would get really sick for some reason), nobody ever came into my room and did things to me in my sleep, i wasn't scared of the dark, i've just never been able to sleep well.
i still don't.
the problem with getting things done when you have insomnia is that there isn't much you can do in the middle of the night. if i could land a gig as a professional writer where i can essentially make my own hours as long i make my deadlines it would be great but i work as a bicycle mechanic which means that i have shifts that i have to be on time for. to get an idea of what my workday can be like do whatever you have to do to stay up for 24 hours straight, then problem solve for 8 hours, on your feet, while being nice to people. it sucks.
what bends my mind in on itself is that i have this trifecta of disorders that all dovetail so nicely it becomes a bit of a chickens and eggs problem. the questions go like this; do i have insomnia because i have adhd and the lack of sleep makes me depressed? am i too depressed to sleep and the resulting insomnia makes it impossible for me to concentrate? or is it that i just can't sleep well and the sleep deprivation makes me unable to focus and depressed?
it's a devil of a deal let me tell you.
exercise doesn't do much, i sometimes ride upwards of 75 miles a day on my bike and drugs don't work on it. i've tried.
melatonin? not so much.
skullcap? great name but nothing.
valerian root? nyet.
pot? slow, hungry and stupid.
alcohol? sleep deprived and hung over.
tylenol pm? don't make me laugh.
ambien? i can take 3, bike home, and read for several hours before passing out.
to be fair percoset will knock me out in a high enough dose but you can see the problem there.
oogh. it's creeping on 6 am. time to sign off. nice talking to you. g'night (i hope).
Friday, January 29, 2010
what's the past tense of hiatus?
so yeah, been busy. not writing on here as much as i'd like to, not that i feel that i have a readership or that if i did they would necessarily expect a great deal from me, it's more that i like to make a core dump of my brain a few times a week and then go back and re-read them a few months later.
it's basically a diary that anyone can read, artistically speaking i'm learning to walk around with no skin on.
the band has been keeping me quite busy of late, we've had a lot of shows and are slowly but surely getting it together to record a 7" or so of material. our demo is now over a year old, almost through it's "second pressing" and mostly songs that we don't play anymore.
this winter has been taking a toll on me physically and mentally, i'm not riding as much as i should, i haven't really run in few weeks and i'm either bored shitless at work or cooped up in the apartment as we yo-yo wildly between rain/slush and sub-zero desert weather. unfortunately the band isn't keeping me busy enough to keep the listlessness and depression at bay. fortunately, i may be involved in one or two other bands playing drums so that get/keep me off my ass for a while.
side project #1 is with mary (who's also in thrash compactor) and russ from totally harsh and band #2 is with doug from envenomed (cincy) and beard (current thrash compactor bass dude) playing more of a dark doom/stoner/metal thang.
i'll let you know how it goes.
it's basically a diary that anyone can read, artistically speaking i'm learning to walk around with no skin on.
the band has been keeping me quite busy of late, we've had a lot of shows and are slowly but surely getting it together to record a 7" or so of material. our demo is now over a year old, almost through it's "second pressing" and mostly songs that we don't play anymore.
this winter has been taking a toll on me physically and mentally, i'm not riding as much as i should, i haven't really run in few weeks and i'm either bored shitless at work or cooped up in the apartment as we yo-yo wildly between rain/slush and sub-zero desert weather. unfortunately the band isn't keeping me busy enough to keep the listlessness and depression at bay. fortunately, i may be involved in one or two other bands playing drums so that get/keep me off my ass for a while.
side project #1 is with mary (who's also in thrash compactor) and russ from totally harsh and band #2 is with doug from envenomed (cincy) and beard (current thrash compactor bass dude) playing more of a dark doom/stoner/metal thang.
i'll let you know how it goes.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
look seed
i didn't make these, they came from this guy's photostream here i just thought they were too cool not to re-blog. via boing boing.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
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