How to Succeed at Getting Dumped

A while back a buddy of mine emailed me for advice about his break up, this happens to be a speciality of mine as I have been dumped by a lot of people in my time. It got me thinking, what if there was a list for the recently broken-up going over things they might need to know.  So I decided to write one...
1.  You will not like the first person that sleeps with your ex.  This is ok, perfectly natural.  This person is a vulture, a scavenging ghoul.  They have probably been planning this for months while they quietly brought about the end of your relationship.  Machiavelli has nothing on the subtle machinations and ruthless manipulations they have carried out.  They are the scum of the earth, lower than a snake's belly, and probably carrying some horrible venereal disease on their malformed genitals.  I do not, however, recommend engaging with this person in any way.  That can lead to all sorts of legal entanglements and even more grief from your ex.  Just keep your bright burning hatred under wraps until you can go "Count of Monte Cristo" on their scheming ass.
2. Your ex will not like the first person who sleeps with you. (See above.)
3. You will probably sleep with your ex at least once in the next few months. Again, this is perfectly normal.  After all, its a really nice thing to do for them as anyone else that they could be sleeping with would be woefully inadequate and despite the recent unpleasantness between you, they deserve a little sugar now and again.  Whatever you do just don't live out the scene from "High Fidelity" where John Cusack obsesses about the mind-blowing sex his ex must be having at that very instant.  Just don't.
4.  You will most likely get depressed.  At all costs you must avoid any urges to write a poetry 'zine, bittersweet songs about your loss or listen to anything recorded by the Get Up Kids.  This may be difficult but it will make you a better person in the long run.  It is important to let yourself work your feelings out, just don't let it turn you into a whiny teen movie caricature. 
5.  You will feel the urge to get out more.  Especially after your ex's sinister plan to destroy your social life by never letting you have any fun or see your friends.  This requires a little planning because you will want to avoid your ex, unless of course you are showing off how totally and completely over them you are (see Step 9).  Going out is good because being that person who sits at home and drinks alone makes your friends and room mates worry about you.  They may attempt an intervention or put you on suicide watch, especially if records by the Cure are involved.  So go out, drink up, and party down.  After all, "out" is where all the people who have been secretly aching for you while you were trapped in that sham of a relationship are.
6.  You will call your ex, wasted, after a long night of partying.  We all know you're going to do it, just please make a good-faith effort not to.  If you fail at this you will say sappy things you don't mean, you will insult them, you will ask them to come back, you will blubber, and probably all in the same sentence.  This is a bad thing and shows that your resolve is weak.  Your ex will exploit this in to further their own sinister plan to win your break up. 
7.  Your ex will call you in the middle of the night, wasted after a night of partying.  Play it cool, "No, they cant come over.  No, you don't want to talk right now.  Yes, you are doing ok and yes, you will call them sometime".  Then hang up, you have prevailed.  Your resolve is as hard as steel and victory is yours.  
8.  Once you have progressed beyond the "moping in your darkened room like a melodramatic teenager" phase, put on real pants and left your house you will probably see your ex somewhere with someone new.  Stay composed, don't stare daggers, mutter obscenities to yourself or throw things at them.  If your ex spots you and decides to swan over and say hi with their skank du jour in tow, be civil and try to extricate yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.  Do not fly into a viking berserker rage and attempt to disassemble the new skank to their component atoms.  Don't be snide to them, just act casual.  If they can get you to freak out in public then they have won.
Also, do not use this as an opportunity to prove how Amazingly Over Your Ex you are and just hang out with them, even if you are invited.  Particularly you should not do this if you are in a bar.  Alcohol weakens your resolve.  Just smile, say it was nice to see them and escape.  Even if you feel an overpowering urge to assert how much more awesome of a person you are than the skank du jour just remember that the skank du jour is probably a child molester or a hard drug addict and are obviously terrible in bed.
9.  Your ex will probably see you somewhere with someone new.  Be charitable. Just catch them staring daggers at you and then walk up with your amazing date in tow, smile and say "Hi, how they've been?  Its so nice to see them." and then walk away secure in the knowledge that you have just ruined their whole day, if not their entire week.
Keep in mind that this is not a complete list.  There are other situations that may arise and that you will have to deal with them.  Just keep it firmly in your mind that you are a better person than they are and that ultimately you will prevail. 

I originally wrote this in 2004 or 2005 to try to cheer up a friend who was bummed out about breaking up with their girlfriend.  It's been through a few re-writes and edits but I still like it so I gave it a "final" write-up and I'm posting it for you to enjoy.