just because you're paranoid...

well, i am.
there. i said it.
i don't trust that people play by the rules, have your best interests at heart or hold you, your feelings, safety, or security in any kind of regard. it's an unfortunate by-product of an even more unfortunate set of life experiences. it comes in handy every so often though.
human beings are an apex predator, we eat everything. this has unfortunately passed into our worldview, business practices and our interpersonal relationships. from the wall street executives who gutted the american economy and walked away with multi-million dollar performance bonuses courtesy of the american taxpayers to the repeat rapists who prowl nightclubs and bars spiking women's drinks the ethos is the same.
"what's yours is mine and i don't care how i get it."
what touched this off is that i got a letter from a third party collection agency alleging that i owed them $205.50 on an overdue account that they had acquired from cincinnati bell, what's more they were willing to settle for half of that amount as long as i called immediately and "verified" that their offer was still good and paid via their website.
being a paranoid asshole i called bullshit for the following reasons:

1. i haven't lived in cincinnati for almost ten years

2. i remember paying my phone bill in full when i moved, at the phone company's office!

i'm not going to pay them anything, not one fucking penny and here's why. a quick internet search revealed that both companies listed on the letter i got are fronts for nco financial systems who have made quite a name for themselves with shady collections practices.
A few more things raised my hackles besides the 10 year old "delinquent" account that i know i closed with a zero balance. first, there was one name with a baltimore address on the letterhead, another name with no address for the payee and the return address on the envelope was a p.o. box in new jersey. second, had i actually owed cincinnati bell any money, the statute of limitations on debt for an open-ended account in ohio is 6 years, so any debt i had would have legally expired in 2006. third, i've had something go to a real collections agency before. real collections agencies don't offer to settle, they may offer to put you on a payment plan but they don't offer to settle for 50% of the debt.
i'd call these creeps vultures but i wouldn't want to insult that comparatively noble and beautiful bird.
the economy is in the tank, everyone is terrified about money even though most people still haven't figured out that the modern concept of credit is just a "re-branding" of our old friend debt. think about it, what do you call money that you don't have that someone will let you spend provided that you pay them back with interest. that's debt, if you want more on it's noble history read the last sentence of the second paragraph after the jump carefully.
the only thing that most people have going for them these days is their credit score, the rating that tells banks, credit card companies and mortgage brokers what you can probably afford. enter the scumbags with their digital-age shakedown, "you owe us money from some bill from 10-15 years ago that you can't remember, now pay us or we'll ruin your credit", and people do it! maybe because they're scared, maybe because they're trying to be honest or responsible, maybe because they don't know any better. Mostly the latter because, you guessed it!, most people don't know their rights. (summary is here)
if you read the complaints lodged against some of these companies you'll start hearing a lot of shady stuff, they can't or won't tell you where the debt came from originally, they need you to "verify" the rest of your social security number as they only have the last four digits, and in one case a man was read his wife's social security number, her work address and their home address over the phone and was threatened that they (the collections company) could send some people around.
so now we know that these scum prey on fear and ignorance so what do you do about it? first, if one these companies contacts you don't panic, no matter how big the number they throw at you is. check your credit report first, you can do it for free once a year, use it wisely. if you owe anyone anything it'll be on there. if the debt they are trying to collect isn't on your credit report you can send them a letter disputing the debt, a cease and desist letter is ideal. send the letter certified mail and keep the return receipt. if they contact you after 30 days from the receipt of your cease and desist letter you can press charges for harassment. sweet right?
long story short i'll be making a trip to my post office tomorrow to drop off my cease and desist letter and hopefully that'll be the last i ever hear of these scuzzballs.

you must get so much done

is about the worst thing that you can say to someone with insomnia, it's sort of like saying "wow, you must really get sylivia plath" to someone with chronic depression. it's not so much that it's insensitive, it's that it's ill-informed.
i've had insomnia since i was a little kid and i really couldn't tell you why. i never had bad nightmares (except for the night before i would get really sick for some reason), nobody ever came into my room and did things to me in my sleep, i wasn't scared of the dark, i've just never been able to sleep well.
i still don't.
the problem with getting things done when you have insomnia is that there isn't much you can do in the middle of the night. if i could land a gig as a professional writer where i can essentially make my own hours as long i make my deadlines it would be great but i work as a bicycle mechanic which means that i have shifts that i have to be on time for. to get an idea of what my workday can be like do whatever you have to do to stay up for 24 hours straight, then problem solve for 8 hours, on your feet, while being nice to people. it sucks.
what bends my mind in on itself is that i have this trifecta of disorders that all dovetail so nicely it becomes a bit of a chickens and eggs problem. the questions go like this; do i have insomnia because i have adhd and the lack of sleep makes me depressed? am i too depressed to sleep and the resulting insomnia makes it impossible for me to concentrate? or is it that i just can't sleep well and the sleep deprivation makes me unable to focus and depressed?
it's a devil of a deal let me tell you.
exercise doesn't do much, i sometimes ride upwards of 75 miles a day on my bike and drugs don't work on it. i've tried.
melatonin? not so much.
skullcap? great name but nothing.
valerian root? nyet.
pot? slow, hungry and stupid.
alcohol? sleep deprived and hung over.
tylenol pm? don't make me laugh.
ambien? i can take 3, bike home, and read for several hours before passing out.
to be fair percoset will knock me out in a high enough dose but you can see the problem there.
oogh. it's creeping on 6 am. time to sign off. nice talking to you. g'night (i hope).

what's the past tense of hiatus?

so yeah, been busy. not writing on here as much as i'd like to, not that i feel that i have a readership or that if i did they would necessarily expect a great deal from me, it's more that i like to make a core dump of my brain a few times a week and then go back and re-read them a few months later.
it's basically a diary that anyone can read, artistically speaking i'm learning to walk around with no skin on.
the band has been keeping me quite busy of late, we've had a lot of shows and are slowly but surely getting it together to record a 7" or so of material. our demo is now over a year old, almost through it's "second pressing" and mostly songs that we don't play anymore.
this winter has been taking a toll on me physically and mentally, i'm not riding as much as i should, i haven't really run in few weeks and i'm either bored shitless at work or cooped up in the apartment as we yo-yo wildly between rain/slush and sub-zero desert weather. unfortunately the band isn't keeping me busy enough to keep the listlessness and depression at bay. fortunately, i may be involved in one or two other bands playing drums so that get/keep me off my ass for a while.
side project #1 is with mary (who's also in thrash compactor) and russ from totally harsh and band #2 is with doug from envenomed (cincy) and beard (current thrash compactor bass dude) playing more of a dark doom/stoner/metal thang.
i'll let you know how it goes.