a foolproof plan to eliminate emo in our lifetime

recently a buddy of mine emailed for advice about his break up, this happens to be a specialty of my as i have been dumped by/dumped a lot of people in my time. it got me to thinking, what if there was a list for the recently broken up going over things they might need to know. i decided to write one in order to further the cause of eradicating emo in our lifetime.
1. you will not like the first person that sleeps with your ex. this is ok, perfectly natural. this person is a vulture, probably planning this for months while they quietly brought about the end of your relationship. they are a fat, ugly, stupid, poser in addition to being an all around worthless person. they are the scum of the earth, lower than a snakes belly, and probably carrying some horrible venereal disease on their filthy genitals. however, i do not recomend harassing/assaulting this person, as that can lead to all sort of legal entanglements and even more grief from your ex. just keep your undying hatred under wraps until you can go all "count of monte cristo" on their useless ass.
2. your ex will not like the first person who sleeps with you. (see above)
3. you will probably sleep with your ex at least once in the next few months. again, perfectly normal. after all, its a really nice thing to do for them as anyone else that they could be sleeping with would be woefully inadequate, and any sex they could be having would, of course, be terrible. whatever you do, dont fall into the john cusack-esque trap of lying in bed alone, thinking of the amazing sex your ex must be have right now. just dont.
4. you will most likely get depressed. at all costs avoid any urges to write poetry, bittersweet songs about your loss or listen to the get up kids. this may be difficult but it will make you a better person in the long run. it is important to let yourself be bummed out, but not to the point that you become a simpering wiener.
5. you will feel the urge to get out more. especially after your ex's sinister plan to destroy your social life. this requires a little planning because you will want to avoid your ex, unless of course you are showing off how totally and completely over them you are. going out is good, being that person who sits at home and drinks alone makes your friends feel wierd about you. they may attempt an intervention or put you on suicide watch, especially if the cure is involved. so go out, drink up, and party. after all, out is where all the boys/girls who have been lining up to do you while you were trapped in that sham of a relationship are.
6. you will call your ex in the middle of the night, wasted. we all know youre going to do it, just please try not to. you will say dumb shit, you will threaten them, you will ask them to come back, you will cry, probably all in the same sentence. this a bad thing, it shows that you are weak, your ex will exploit this in their evil scheme to destroy your life, you must not let them gain the upper hand, you must destroy them first.
7. your ex will call you in the middle of the night, wasted. its a really annoying phone call to get at 4:15 in the morning, no they cant come over, no you dont want to talk, yes you are ok, you will call them sometime, hang up. you have prevailed, victory is yours. now get back to making out with that hottie from the bar.
8. you will probably see your ex somewhere with someone new. be cool, dont stare daggers at them, if they spot you and decide to say hi with their sleazebag in tow, be civil and try to extricate yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. do not fly into full viking berzerker mode and attempt to disassemble the new thing to their component atoms. do not talk shit to them, act casual, if they can get you to freak out in public, they have won. also, do not use this as an opportunity to prove how amazingly over them you are and just hang out with them, even if you are invited. especially do not do this if you are in a bar, alcohol weakens resolve and you may expose your ingenius plot to bring about their ultimate destruction. just smile, say it was nice to see them and bask in the glow of how much better of a person you are than their new thing. even if they look attractive, successful and intelligent, remember that they are probably a child molester or a junkie and are obviously terrible in bed. victory is still yours.
9. your ex will probably see you somewhere with someone new. be cool. just catch them staring daggers at you and then walk up with your hot, amazing new thing in tow, smile and say hi, how theyve been, its nice to see them. then walk away secure in the knowledge that you have just ruined their entire day, if not their entire week.
this is not a complete list, there are other situations that may arise, and you will have to deal with them. just keep in mind that you are a better person than they are and that ultimately you will prevail. just dont let yourself get all emo about it.